‘Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom’ Review

This was one big pile of shit.


I can’t recall another franchise that has fallen farther from grace then Jurassic Park. In 1993 in all honesty the greatest summer blockbuster ever made was released and ever since then, they haven’t been able to make a competent dino movie. Three years ago when they decided this franchise needed a facelift and they released Jurassic World which became a box-office juggernaught. The 4th highest grossing movie of all time, think about that. So it was inevitable that a sequel was on the way, they planned on making this a trilogy. So when your movie grosses close to 2 billion dollars, one would imagine they would plan and put a ton of resources into the sequel. I’m not joking, at times it felt like 15 year old kids wrote this movie. I’m not asking for Citizen Kane here, but when the dialogue is so bad, it’s the first thing that takes you out of a movie. So as Ian Malcolm once said “that is one big pile of shit.”

Speaking of Ian Malcolm, he’s actually in this movie! But not in the way you wanted. Even his character, who was such a cool guy in the original had fallen from grace. Way to  just shoehorn him in just because Jeff Goldblum is a thing right now. So Colin Trevorrow is out as director, now he just has the writing credential. J.A Bayona fills in, and I’ll say this first. This isn’t a horribly made movie. It has some fantastic imagery and set pieces, and even the opening scene of this movie felt like the 93′ Jurassic Park. After that it kind of went downhill. The island’s dormant volcano is about to erupt and Owen (Chris Pratt) and Clarie (Bryce Dallas Howard) lead a team of people on a rescue mission to save the dinosaurs. This should have just been the entire movie, instead of the first 40 mins, because this could have been a really awesome concept of them trying to round up all the dinosaurs. Instead we get none of that, and to be honest it was just an excuse for a lot of dino death. Now of course it’s a double cross due to our run of the mill villain Eli (Rafe Spall).

Here’s the thing. This franchise isn’t suppose to be about forgettable human characters, this franchise has always been about the dinosaurs. I don’t need dopey characters throughout this movie, that are so forgettable. So now we aren’t even getting the dinosaurs we want to see. Enough is enough with these hybrids. It’s actually getting so out of hand and it’s just not what we want to see as fans. Two things have ruined this franchise since the relaunch; hybrid dinosaurs and this whole velociraptor being friends with humans. These are just two elements we absolutely did not need to see, it’s just plain silly. There’s just not a whole lot to say about this movie, quite frankly it’s so forgettable that I can’t really recall anything note worthy. It’s just a lot of dumb human characters making insane and hilariously stupid decisions. The last half of the movie is just dinosaurs trapped in a house chasing people around. Then there is one twist, THAT IS THE MOST RIDICULOUS THING I’VE SEEN IN A MOVIE IN A LONG LONG LONG TIME. I was laughing so hard because it’s just so random and out of the blue, I couldn’t believe what I was witnessing.

The acting is fine, no one is terrible, but it’s just really hard to work when the script is just god awful. Don’t get me wrong Chris Pratt is a superstar and I enjoy Bryce Dallas Howard, but I just don’t see them together. Their chemistry isn’t great and that’s a big part of the movie. I can’t believe how short this review is, but like for once I got nothing to say. Just skip this god awful movie, that had no business being made, and the worst part is, we have to sit through one more of these. They destroyed something that was so magical, and turned it into something so farfetched and ridiculous. One of the worst movies of the year, I really hate crapping on movies, because I know how much work goes into them, I’ll always say that. But we deserve so much better.

Check ya later.

Nate’s Movie Tour Reviews – Jurassic Park Fallen Kingdom = 45/100

5 thoughts on “‘Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom’ Review”

  1. I didn’t hate it as much as you did, but I wished I enjoyed it more. You’re right–the spirit of the original “Jurassic Park” is nearly completely gone. It is supposed to be about the dinosaurs and yet the screenplay is trying to force us to swallow the romance between Pratt and Howard’s boring characters. I am, however, optimistic about the third film of this trilogy. I hope it goes completely bananas. The potential is there.

    1. Yeah I agree about the potential!. I’m also worried about potential for Austin Powers territory with friggin Raptors with friggin lasorbeams attached to their foreheads……

  2. Way to incorporate the Ian Malcolm line! Well put! I refuse to see this movie and I feel like I have every right to trash it without seeing it. I actually enjoyed Lost World quite a bit, but parts 3 and 4 (Jurassic World) were such nonsense, it really is sacrilege to the legacy of the original. Not just a great movie, but a really great story. I’ve read both books by Crichton, and while the plots differ somewhat from the movies, they’re both really great stories in any form. Thank you for summing it up so well! By the way, you’re so right about the hybrids and the talking velociraptors…so bad. So unnecessary. The Laser-beams may not be far behind…

    1. Thank you! It’s just not great at all. I can’t believe there will be one more. Won’t be surprised if we get some sort of spin-off as well

  3. Well honestly I enjoyed it. It was the perfect cool down my brain needed after a long day full of meetings and tasks.

    I think visually it was stunning, especially the gyrosphere escape sequence which was shot as one long take. I also was quite thrilled by the indoraptor in the end. They made that thing really scary with its alien-like movements and killer instinct.

    Sure it’s all over the top. Gone are the days when we gasped in awe at the sight of “real” dinosaurs or the peefect pacing of the original Jurassic Park. But I didn’t expect any of that. Heck. Not even Spielberg himself managed to keep that level of quality with his own sequel. Why should I expect it from the the fifth part of this series?

    I got good action setpieces, great visuals, quite some thrills and some mild laughs. That’s enough for me to give this one a solid 7.

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