Viva la stool!
Barstool Sports, where debate happens! Love em or hate em, Barstool has certainly come a long way, and are really reaching new heights in terms of not only recognition but also in wealth. I feel like ever since the stint on Comedy Central last year before the Super Bowl, Barstool has been gaining momentum and really have flourished. For me being a fan of the company, what I love the most, is the different amount of personalities that come with it. They have some very talented young people working for them, who I think are going to go on to do some incredible things. One thing I love is movies, and I thought what if down the road, someone made a movie about Barstool and how it kind of all came to be. So I thought to myself, I wonder who would play certain people, and I figured I would cast the movie myself. There are so many great people that work for Barstool, but I can only do so many, so if you are left out, it really is nothing personal, these are just the people I thought about first! Some of these could be way off, but I’m thinking of actors who could encapsulate the character of these people and looks like them. I’m kind of hoping this just sparks an office debate.
@BarstoolNate: Nate Aka Eric – Giovanni Ribisi
Should I call him Nate? His name is Eric, but lets just go with Nate (that’s my name, how neat!) Any who, Nate serves as sort of the online enforcer at Barstool, where he literally doesn’t take shit from anyone. If he wasn’t working at Barstool, I’m fairly certain he would be working for the FBI, because his digging on the internet skills are through the roof. He’s also wicked smart and enjoys playing poker and I assume is good with money and numbers. He loves defending his co-workers and making people feel stupid for shaming Barstool meanwhile those exact people do the same thing they are shaming Barstool for. I think this one was easy, Giovanni would really thrive in that cocky, I beat you kind of attitude that comes with Nate. I also think perhaps Nate does this when intoxicated.
@RobbieBarstool: Robbie Fox – Thomas Mann 
The resident geek of Barstool sports. A geek that is held in the highest regard in my books. Not to mention he’s not even old enough to legally drink alcohol. Robbie has interviewed more famous people at such a young age, and he has a serious bright future. Lover of WWE and MMA, Robbie has a badass side to him, and doesn’t really back down to anyone. Slap a pair of glasses on Thomas Mann and we have ourselves a Robbie Fox. I think he could really nail Robbie’s geekier side, but also bring his humour along with it.
@BarstoolFran: Francesca – Emma Stone & @Barstoolria: Ria – Margot Robbie 
I feel like the girls, if they read this are either going love my choices are hate them. Fran, she’s smart, she’s sophisticated, she’s the ying to Ria’s yang. So casting the girls, I thought of two actresses that could have just as good of chemistry in the movie, as these girls do in real life. Fran seems like the perfect girl next door and doesn’t that just scream Emma Stone. One she’s an Oscar winner, so she’s going to bring it. Fran is kind of the voice of reason in this dynamic duo, and is the more calm of the two, when the debate things on Chicks In The Office. Ria, you do not want to cross this girl, or she will fight you. She will always have your back and has attitude for days, but can also be incredibly sweet. She might not be the Duchess, but Margot has proven before that she can have that Long Island attitude. Ria has probably even thrown a glass of water in Hanks face. Like from what we saw in Wolf of Wall Street, I think this is perfect.
@Henry_ease: Hank – Bradley Cooper.
When thinking about Hanks casting, two things crossed my mind. One they needed to be handsome, and secondly they needed to be able to grow a wicked beard. Well Bradley Cooper meets both those requirements with ease. The question reminds would Bradley sign on to a role where he is kind of in the background, I think so. With a big boxing tilt coming up, the legend of Hank will only grow. Plus an on screen romance between Bradley Cooper and Margot Robbie would be fire.
@PFTCommenter: – Unknown
The man of mystery, I bet if I did a deep dive on the internet I could find of PFT’s real name, but guess what, I DON’T WANT TOO. Funny, witty, gritty, a man of a thousand voices, are just some of the ways to describe this man. I just wanted to say PFT should play himself, I feel like that’s what PFT would say, but no, this is Hollywood and there is always a man for the job. That man in none other than Matthew McConaughey, lets be honest, when I say, Matthew could really get PFT’s “spiritual” side. He can grow is hair out and they are both Alpha’s. I just thought about this for like 20 minutes, and I feel like I nailed it.
@Feitelberg: John Feitelberg – Glenn Howerton
If there’s one thing Feitelberg loves more than Tom Brady, it’s Always Sunny, and I think he would be nothing but proud to have Glenn fill the shoes as the resident cock doctor of Barstool. The amount of sexual stories and conquests John has told is unimaginable, and I can even picture Glenn saying “I’ve spit in a girls mouth” and just having it roll right off his tongue. He used to kind of playing a drunk, sexual craved man, so playing Feitelberg would almost be a walk in the park for him at this point. If he is reading this, he’s either going to be like “yeah I can see this” or “this guy is a fucking idiot”
@KFCBarstool: Kevin Clancy – Charlie Day
I had to do this right? It only makes sense to be, Kevin another lover of It’s Always Sunny, and Charlie can command that mic just like Kevin. Kevin is loud, Kevin is cut throat, Kevin essentially doesn’t give a fuck, and his Barstool against the world attitude is what I admire the most about him. Charlie Day can do all that, he can get loud, he’s hilarious and more importantly his chemistry with Glenn. The banter between KFC and Feits is what makes KFC radio so goddamn special, and I know these two would bring that same chemistry. It just made so much sense in my head to cast these two guys.
@BarstoolBigCat: Dan Katz – Joaquin Phoenix
It would have been a toss up between John Candy or Jim Belushi, but well they are both dead, but man those are just amazing choices. I’m having a really hard time with this one, I just can’t put my finger on it. Then I landed on a really talented actor who can grow a serious moustache which is really important. Look Big Cat, has a big fucking heart. He cares so much about his teams, and his friends, and overall he is just a really humble human being. Joaquin is a fucking terrific actor, who will kill any role he is in. I wasn’t just going to slide in any “funny fat” dude in here. Because one Big Cat isn’t fat and more importantly he deserves better than that.
@stoolpresidente: Dave Portnoy – Edward Norton
The boss. The Man. The guy who started it all. He wears Barstool on his sleeve and wants to bring this shit to the moon. He can rub people the wrong way and doesn’t give a shit who is standing in his way. He wants to conquer the world and doesn’t care who’s feelings get hurt along the way. Who better to portray this than good old Edward Norton. Known to be a pain in the ass to work with, I feel like he would eat this shit right up. You need someone with attitude in this role and someone who will legit give zero fucks, that man is Norton. I feel like he could do a decent Boston accent as well, because that is so important when dealing with the Portnoy character.
@EKANardini: Erika K Nardini – Jessica Chastain
All you gotta do is dye Jessica’s hair and we are golden. The CEO, you need a strong woman in this role and who better than Jessica Chastain? You need a woman in this role, that will be around a pretty strong male cast, but not put up with any of the bullshit. A women who when she walks into the room evokes such confidence. Also a smart, well respected business woman, and again that has Chastain written all over it.
So that’s it. I think this will be directed by Martin Scorsese, because all I can picture is “Gimme Shelter” playing while the credits role and having the real people stand side by side with the cast, and it’s just perfect. I’m thinking Wolf of Wall Street meets Social Network.
Check ya later.
I literally thought the other day that Barstool should make a Trilogy… the first part Basically about the core four and the really early guys struggling for years, slowly but surely growing with all the OG content and all the PR nightmares when the company was small and could actually get hurt w/ scandals (but we’re they ever really in PR trouble with Res leading?) and it was harder for Dave to bodybag the critics…OBvious moment that comes to mind is dave looking like a jabroni just and was…first movie ends with portnoy walking into a conference room but on the sign outside the door says “war room.”
2nd Movie of Trilogy: “Veni Vidi Vici.” (The Chernin Money and the beginning of Barstool Expansive Imperialism)
Trailer:
Narrator:They didn’t want to give em a seat at the table…So they made their own stool, jammed their stool in so loud you couldn’t ignore it, so unstoppable that as the fatass shirt-and-ties sitting there looking up at the smirking Alpha before them, wishing they had just played ball with them. They laughed in his face when That bumbling-bostonian El Pres-kid told them that if they kissed his ring now, he’d think about putting them 6-feet under without he humiliation of the public’s eye. Now, he sits on the stool, pizza in one hand, and an urn of all the CEO’s, bloggers, reporters, talk show personalities, and just anyone that he ever stabbed him in the back like the little coward, snakes they are.
How did they get here? They wonder. (
Emperor Chernin meets El-PAdawan-Presidente and sensed a powerful presence that boiled within him a force so strong, it is said to only be possessed by the chosen one every 1000 years. The mainstream elites deny the rumors that the new Millenia has delivered on their promise of another. Emperor Chernin gave him all that he needed to upgraded his pirate Ship to a NYC Death Star, Equipped him with the means to acquire the best content-contributors in the world as Officers of the Sith (the core 4 being promoted to generals) The Stoolie-Troopers grew by the millions,. And still, the legitimacy of soon-to-be Pres of the World was doubted, evident when Trusted Co-worker and (sort of) mentor, John Skipper aka Obi-Wan, tries to kill him. Except this time when John Skipper went down, there’s no Luke skywalker to save them now, only A Dave Portnoy to die, and resurrect as his ancestor, Jesus did.
The camera is circling around a long table portnoy sitting in a fly, all black suit, as actors that resemble Goodell, Skipper, A Mini-size picture of DeadSpin’s Office, Rappaport, etc., on their knees behind him begging for mercy, while all of the top people stand behind Pres, the camera circles the farm table to show Robert Kraft, Mark Cuban, The Mooch, A-Rod, Adam Schefter, Manziel, Dana White, Jerry Thornton, John Cena, JJ Watt, anyone who is super famous, waiting to here what Pres wants.
Narrator:
So they’ve already made a strong name for themselves….what next?
EMERGENCY PRESS CONFERENCE:
People keep asking me about the future of Barstool even though I’ve said it a million times. After the world, we’ll take the moon as promised. But we can’t stop, right? we need it, the stoolies need it, they deserve it, we deserve it, they give us life, we give them life it’s a mutual feeling: we want it all. We’ll take the moon, and we’ll be the first to mars and then we’ll have our army of martian stoolies on reserve, and our Sun, and then our Solar System, then galaxy, and Observable Universe, and then the whole fucking Cosmos, and then we’ll travel to the infinite different universes joining all the other universe’s factions of Barstool Army’s, and won’t stop until we get it all. Until we find the what created all this, until we find a God or Gods, or Zues, Allah, or that fat guy that monks worship, and we’ll fucking have him join the team, because he is basically like THE content creator. And when I’ve got god as my coffee slave whipping me up the perfect #VivaLaDunkin drink bc it literally is the only all-knowing celestial fucking thing that can do it (even though it’s great every time, dunking).
And after fucked around with the laws of physics and made tiger and Lebron go from best to worst in a single day, I’ll have the fucking god give it all back and start it all over. And I’ll tell it to put a little fucking elbow grease into it… give me some Old Testament shit where I have to fucking kill Nate on the roof like Abraham and Isaac. Ill taunt him all day.
because don’t you get it, god, you fuck, El Pres can’t be beaten. I wasn’t elected President, I put myself there, We didn’t win because of luck, we made it happen with every brick. I didn’t sleep for 15 years. I used my sheer fucking will to conquer to make it happen. I wasn’t elected el Pres, I just am. It is just the will of my universe. Go ahead, I challenged any man, woman, baboon or god that is dumb enough to challenge me or barstool to go for it. You won’t like the result. This is the Universe where Dave Portnoy doesn’t lose. There isn’t a point to voting for El Pres because the only outcome that this universe allows is a W for barstool or me. Am I going to be a dictator? You’re gonna wish I was that soft…Joseph Stalin was a game of paddy cake. Will I be a Tyrant King? Americans called the their English monarch The Tyrant King Goerge and all he did was throw some taxes at them. The first totally unified world leader? I’ve answered that. In this Universe, I am the deity, the divine being, Omnipotent, Omniscient, invite, the Alpha and the Omega, the barstool content and barstool business. Everything is God’s will. So am I a god? I am if I fucking will it to be. Kiss the ring now to enter the lottery to be spared.
I’m glad there are more people out there like me.